RELENTLESS THEATRE
EDINBURGH FRINGE 2007
Relentless Theatre staged Bitches & Money at the 60th Edinburgh Festival Fringe from 03 - 27 August 2006.

Relentless will be returning to the Fringe in 2007 with a new production. Below is this year's archive, including a scene excerpt at the bottom of the page.


BITCHES & MONEY (2006)
"Tense, taut and intriguing" - BBC
"Must See!" - The Stage

Bitches and Money is a thrilling dark comedy about three card-counting Victorian criminals who have just committed the perfect nineteenth century crime…. almost. The job goes wrong and they are left stranded in an unfriendly place. On the run from the law, and with no-one to trust, each one fights to escape with their life, their freedom, and most importantly - the loot.

Bitches and Money will be at Edinburgh's famed Underbelly in Baby Belly 2 at the Edinburgh Festival from 3rd - 27th August at 16.45
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SCENE 3/// BITCHES & MONEY

PATIENCE It does not appear to be here either.

CORA We must continue looking. Play his silly game.

PATIENCE I am not certain he has hidden it.

CORA He would have. Schoolboy stunts are about all he could accomplish. I was unable to witness the jig but it will soon be unravelled. Have you looked in his shoe?

PATIENCE Which shoe should I look in?

CORA I would look in them both.

PATIENCE Then I invite you to do so.

CORA I would prefer not to. I am fully occupied as it is. You do it. I have no idea when he might have last changed his stockings.

PATIENCE His stockings are clean.

CORA Clean by your standards perhaps. I would not like to touch his feet. I doubt if the upkeep of his extremities has ever been a priority.

PATIENCE Then we will share the burden. You remove one shoe and I the other.

CORA Can you not find it within yourself to spare me such a gruesome task? The events of this evening have left me weary and traumatised enough.

PATIENCE Your reluctance is beginning to concern me.

CORA I do not enjoy such proximity to the carcass. It was unpleasant before but now the wound is exposed it spooks me even more. The smell is not what I anticipated. It is an earthier stench. I expected something sweeter.

PATIENCE Come and observe him closely. If you allow yourself to look on him impartially and think of him not as a man but an object, your fears will subside.

CORA Is that the technique that you use?

PATIENCE I have no need of it.

CORA He is lifeless. Look at the hole in his shirt. It is so small. I find it strange that something so tiny can bring about a man’s demise.

PATIENCE The hole in his back is larger than the one in his shirt.

CORA Is the bullet still inside him?

PATIENCE I believe that it is, along with the missing fragment of his shirt. I would be curious to examine him under the light of an x-ray machine. It is a remarkable new contraption and would let us gaze through his flesh to his shadowy interior. Only then would we be able to determine the precise location of the shot. I suspect that his skeleton or one of his organs must have halted its progress.

CORA How disappointing, the round that killed him would have made an excellent memento of our time together.

PATIENCE How do you plan to spend your share?

CORA The first purchase I intend to make is a large crate of Blue Ruin.

PATIENCE You surprise me.

CORA The fine wines and Persian caviar will come later. I’ll book passage on a steamer to some distant shores, I have not yet decided where, invest in a large villa and throw the most decadent outrageous parties. I am satisfied that should prove to be a suitably fulfilling lifestyle.

PATIENCE And if the money should run out?

CORA I will conduct myself in as frugal a manner as is necessary to ensure that it does not run out.

PATIENCE That surely is the most ridiculous boast I have heard in years.

CORA Well I could always marry. There are enough wealthy idiots in the world that would want to keep me.

PATIENCE Are you not worried that your reputation might precede you?

CORA Not especially. I very much doubt that I am infamous enough for word of my conduct to reach another continent. Latin America maybe, even the north might not be too bad these days, the Yanks are becoming more civilised every year. And you? What will you do with your newly acquired wealth?

PATIENCE You seem to look on this as an opportunity for retirement. For me it is quite different.

CORA I understand. You plan to make a fresh start to life and use your riches to aid the poor and the downtrodden. You could teach blind children to sing and help orphans learn to read. You could even set up a charitable trust in Jack’s honour and build a sanctuary to provide relief for ageing chimney sweeps and infirm kittens.

PATIENCE I am glad that you find such amusement in your own ramblings.

CORA Please go on. I am eager to learn of your intentions.

PATIENCE Tonight marks the conclusion of my sordid career as a card counter and, barring further obstacles, the resumption of my real work.

CORA Oh yes, your real work.

PATIENCE Engineering, invention and science are forces that will change this planet in the next century. I have for some years waited for the day when I would have sufficient means to carry out my experiments independently. I have no wish to live in society; it drains me to be surrounded by people and their possessions. Love, sickness, greed and other afflictions of mankind disturb my concentration. I seek isolation.

CORA I have heard wonderful things about the Congo.

PATIENCE My work is of great importance.

CORA Buy a nice place by the seaside.

PATIENCE The sea air is not good for my machines. I will need somewhere more arid if I am to complete my life’s work. Works that will one day alter the progression of history and change the world forever.

CORA How marvellous. I can see you now, in a small workshop in Egypt or possibly Australia, you are dressed like a little train driver, tinkering about with bits of clockwork. You are very busy and very content.

PATIENCE My inventions have often been a source of mirth to those that do not understand their potential. Soon that potential will be realised and impact around the globe. The shockwaves could even reach as far as the sun-drenched orgies at your hypothetical villa.

CORA I do not mean to cause offence. I know how much it means to you to build your time travelling apparatus. I wish you every success and hope you make a great deal of money.

PATIENCE The only reward I seek is the satisfaction that the completion of my task will bring. It is possible to unlock the fabric of time and travel along its highways. People will soon marvel at how I am able to journey through time.

CORA I believe you.

PATIENCE Would you not desire to know the future, or the secrets of history? I could take you to the dawn of creation or allow you to experience life one hundred years from now. One day I shall sample the delights of the nineteen eighties.

CORA Cosmic.

PATIENCE It will not be possible for me to build my time machine without access to the funds we have made through swindling. I am sure that you appreciate it is not an option for me to fail.

CORA Of course I do.

PATIENCE Then I will ask you nicely Cora. Where is Jack’s key?

CORA I have no idea.

PATIENCE Tell me now and I will forgive this attempt to chizzle me.

CORA I am telling the truth.

PATIENCE Where is it?

CORA I am still committed to the belief that it could be in his shoe.

PATIENCE When he was shot you were the first to approach him despite later claiming to be afraid of his body.

CORA In the moments after his death I was excited at the prospect of reaching our goal. It was innocent exuberance and nothing more. The reality of his death did not engulf me until a few minutes passed.

PATIENCE And as you knelt over him did your eye catch sight of anything?

CORA No.

PATIENCE Something small, maybe he held it in his hand or left it protruding from a pocket of his coat. A slight metallic glimmer, just enough to tempt you.

CORA I would have informed you at once if I had spotted it. We are in this together.

PATIENCE His key has vanished without trace.

CORA So it would seem.

PATIENCE I find that difficult to accept. I propose that you saw it and without thinking twice about what you were doing, slipped it away and began this pretence.

CORA I could just as well say the same about you.

PATIENCE I think not. You had already conducted a complete search of Jack and his belongings before I even approached him. You have taken it and are concealing it from me now in some ill-conceived plot to cream my whack.

CORA What could make you imagine that I would pull such a stunt?

PATIENCE Let me see. You are a career criminal and a compulsive liar, a known blackleg with a chronic gambling addiction and you owe money all over town. All this, you might argue, is circumstantial but consider your recent form for betrayal and you should see how I might imagine that you could pull such a stunt.

CORA I resent these accusations.

PATIENCE It must have been difficult for you to resist. After all why settle for half the money when you could take it all?

CORA I have settled for half, we made that decision some time ago.

PATIENCE I have found you out Cora admit defeat and show me the key.

CORA This is some manipulation you have devised to cheat me, it will not work.

PATIENCE Then perhaps I should try something a little more stringent. Here is Jack’s pistol. It is loaded, has been fired in anger more than once tonight and I will not hesitate to use it again if necessary. Now do you feel compelled to confess?

CORA I admit that I do but I have nothing to tell. Stop pointing that thing at me.

PATIENCE No. I want you to stare down the barrel and think about what you have done.

CORA You stupid girl I have not wronged you.

PATIENCE I do not envy your position. This ’45 is a cold piece. You tell me that you believe the key could be hidden in his footwear. I want to see you look for it.

CORA I never said that it was definitely in there, it simply occurred to me that it might.

PATIENCE This is your opportunity to demonstrate your commitment to the cause.

CORA Look I have done it, the key is not there. You seem to take pleasure from torturing me in this fashion but if you intend to kill me I urge you to get on with it.

PATIENCE Remove his stockings.

CORA There.

PATIENCE Where are you going?

CORA I cannot stand close to the body. He is now barefoot and the aroma of his decomposing feet will imminently alert the whole of the capitol to our presence. Kill me.

PATIENCE Very well I will ask you once more and if the correct response is not forthcoming your wish will be granted.

CORA I know nothing.

PATIENCE Where is the key?

CORA Turn around now, look behind you.

PATIENCE You are giving a master class in strategy. Did you learn that one in your nursery?

CORA This is not a trick he has come back to life and is standing, turn round.

PATIENCE I admire your persistence but I am not your governess. Your playground tactics will not work on me.

CORA He is walking toward you, shoot him.

PATIENCE It is ludicrous to think I would turn my back on you. Now unless you have another diversion planned you should say your prayers. I have the sights trained on your eyeball.

JACK Give me the revolver.

CORA Ah Jack, How’s your back?

JACK Fetch me those chairs Cora.

CORA Yes. Are you sure you are well? You look ill.

JACK Ill is an improvement, two minutes ago I was dead.

CORA This is a miracle, you have come back to save me from her. Thank goodness you were able to find that convenient plank of wood to hit her with. Here, sit down, how weary you must be.

JACK Sit down Patience.

CORA No, you rest your legs Jack, the floor is good enough for her.

JACK I want you to tie her up Cora.

CORA Excellent, what should I do it with?

JACK Improvise.

CORA I know. I could use this.

JACK Good, bind each of her hands to the back of the chair.

CORA I must congratulate you for capturing her so swiftly, most impressive.

PATIENCE You are an idiot Cora.

JACK Well-done Cora, sit down.

CORA Thank you Jack. What will we do now?

JACK I’m tying you up too.

CORA Wait, what are you doing that for, there is no need….

JACK Unlike her, you need to be tied and gagged.

CORA Arghhhhhhhh.

JACK And you need to get slapped.